So my last few posts have been pretty depressing. To the 5 of you that actually read this blog — my bad for being such a downer. It’s been a rough few months. Planning a wedding with a terminally ill to be mother in law is really not very fun. Because this is supposed to be a happy time and I just feel so damn selfish. Last weekend Japh and I went together for a visit to his family’s home. It was the first time that I had been there in a few weeks. The time between my visit previous to this and last weekend is when shit really started to go downhill for her.

For months (since May) I’ve been consumed with anger, guilt, spite, sadness. It vacillates day to day. Sometimes I don’t think of it at all. This is usually when I’m working and too busy to think about anything else. Sometimes it’s all I think about. This is usually worst when I’m driving to¬† or from work. When I’m on autopilot and my mind can wander. I keep thinking that this is so fucking unfair. Why now? Why ever? Why before her first child gets married? Why before I get married? I waited so long to do this and now…this? What the fuck?

So yea, I’ve been a shit about the situation. Spending far too much time thinking about how this is affecting a stupid party. I’ve considered hard about cancelling but Japh’s family is insistent that we move forward. So we are. I’m not 100% sure I’m happy about this decision. Not because I don’t want to marry Japh but because I’m just waiting for it all to come crashing down. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I think that I’m most sad that I will never really get the chance to know my mother in law. Never get to hear all the great stories and words of wisdom that she is filled with. Never get to ask her advice on how to deal with a child going through their terrible twos. Never get to learn what it is about her that makes her light up a room. Never get to be angry with her. Never get to love her like I know that I would.

I hear from people all of the time how they don’t have good relationships with their in-laws. but I’m so very lucky. Japh’s family is wonderful, and welcoming, and warm, and kind. And they’re all so sad right now. And there is nothing I can do to make it better.