I’ve always carried a lot of anger. I honestly don’t know what to do with it, nor do I know how to handle it. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. The funny thing is that lately it has decided that instead of just being pent-up anger it wants to attack my body. I’ve been privy to a lot of illnesses as of late. Both of my wrists decided to swell up last week making me almost incapable of doing anything. Japh had to prop me up in bed so I could get out of it (instead of rolling out like an invalid). Of course I really didn’t do anything to make it actually better (though, I did go to a walk in clinic which proved to be not helpful at all). For the past few days I’ve had a terrible toothache (no, I haven’t gone to the dentist for two reasons — 1) It’s expensy and all monies have been allocated to wedding efforts. 2) I wore braces for 6 years, have had 8 teeth pulled and had to wear head gear as a kid. Obviously for me, the dentist is the devil). Sometimes my knees hurt for no reason as all and I get headaches daily (which is a new thing).
Everything makes me angry — Planning a wedding, having a terminally ill to be mother in law, having a mother who is necrotic as I am, not hitting sales quotas at work, our third roommate, the electric bill, dealing with my to be husband’s internal grief about his mother that he doesn’t actually deal with, giving a damn about what everyone thinks, trying to look like I have it all under control because god forbid anyone knows that I’m quickly losing my mind, the garden and making sure the plants don’t die, to be sister in laws that may or may not hate me, driving to work — the list goes on. They all make me so god damn angry and I just don’t know how to make any of these things easier or better.